New Joke Thread

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babbling looney's picture
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Just thought we could all use a laugh and the old joke thread was gone.
 
The power of compound interest.   
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. 
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. 
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Devoted SA's picture
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BrokerRecruit's picture
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Nice Metallica referece, btw.

BankFC's picture
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Where does a one legged waitress work??IHOP

Registered Rep's picture
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Joined: 2006-07-18

THINGS YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.2. The Declaration of <?:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Independence was written on hemp paper.3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".4 A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.11 Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.. hence, (multi-tasking was invented.)18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,purple, and silver!22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples! (Guess what I'm buying on my next trip to the grocery store?)30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.32 Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

troll's picture
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Joined: 2004-11-29

What you really should know is how many of the things on that list are just urban legand and completely false. 

Soothsayer's picture
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Registered Rep wrote:THINGS YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Neither does Winnie the Pooh.  I've always found that a little bit disturbing.

Devoted SA's picture
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Registered Rep wrote:THINGS YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
I always wondered why -- when he took a bath and got out of the tub...he bothered to wrap a towel around himself if he didn't wear any pants? What's he covering?

frumhere's picture
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that's why I don't lick stamps in the US!  Traif.

troll's picture
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Devoted SA wrote:
Registered Rep wrote:THINGS YOU REALLY SHOULD KNOW14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
I always wondered why -- when he took a bath and got out of the tub...he bothered to wrap a towel around himself if he didn't wear any pants? What's he covering?

 
The things people think about when presented with a talking duck.....

munytalks's picture
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BankFC wrote:Where does a one legged waitress work??IHOP
At Merrill Lynch from 1980 to 1983, then to Prudential-Bache from 1983 to 1987... then on to books and talk circuits with Oprah!

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Devoted SA's picture
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And now, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy....
"A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke."

Devoted SA's picture
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On the internet you can be anything you want to be. Tall, thin, muscular, etc.
I happened to find a REAL photo of Mr. Wiggles, in his Halloween costume.
http://i104.photobucket.com/albums/m165/Mr_Wiggles_01/b44a15 b1.jpg

spikedkoolaid's picture
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Joined: 2006-04-20

Why are women the 8th wonder of the world?
Because They can Bleed for a week without dieing.
They can produce milk without eating grass
And they can bury a bone without diggin a hole.

Devoted SA's picture
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My husband has told me before he doesn't trust something that doesn't die after bleeding for a week.
Hardy Har Har.

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