Strangely, the Fortune Tellers never saw it coming.

I see you meeting a strong man in the near future, tall, strong, handsome dressed in blue ... and kinky, he wll give you jewelery... Bracelets, silver bracelets! Two of them! He'll wnt you to wear them right away...

I see another man... not so young, not so good looking... wearing a brown suit and carrying a brief case... He's giving you his card... He's not a doctor... he's someone's son, the lawyer!

Speaking of legal and political correctness matters and smoking young guns ...

What are you going to do about that spliff ... I mean stiff, that body on the beach you left here yesterday? Did you get left holding the bag?

Don't go serious on me, now, whomit:

Q: How can you save a lawyer from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Why do men die before women?

Because they want to.

Why do some men give a name to their penises?

They want to be on a first name basis with the one that makes all of their decisions for them.

Two guys from the garment district, Izzy and Moishe, they're best friends and their partners in the business. Been both for most of their lives.

They talk about everything and, as they're getting on in years, they talk about these mashuggina goyims and their "Afterlife". They make a pact that if one dies first "God forbid" he will somehow let the other know if there is an afterlife.

One day Moishe doesn't make it to work!

Izzy is beside himself, but, life goes on, he has work to do and he does it, alone.

Time passes it's three years maybe more since. The phone rings

Izzy: Ya hello?

Moishe: Izzy? Izzy it's me your old friend and partner Moishe! I'm calling you. I promised I would and I'm...Now I'm calling you!

Izzy: Moish? Moish my partner and friend Moishe dat's you on the phone, where are you? I was there at the funeral, you must be calling me from... What's it like?

M: Izzy, I'll tell you.

Each and every day I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I pizz like a racehorse, I'm telling you! Then I go over I have a little breakfast , amybe a little something to drink, and then I have SEX!

After that I maybe have a bowel movement like you wouldn't believe!

After that I take a little nap. I wake up, I have something maybe for some lunch. I mix around, joke around with the ladies for a while, then I have some SEX!

I: More sex? In the same day? Oy Gavolt!

M: Whatever dat means... So by now I'm a little tired, I take a nap. I wake up, a little nosh, a couple maybe of drinks and then it's Sex Sex Sex, until I can't go no more. I fall asleep, the next day i wake up I do the same thing all over again!

I: Moishe! Moishe! This sounds great, I can't wait to be dead I can't wait to get into Heaven!

M: Heaven? What Heaven? Izzy, The Hndus were right I'm in Wyoming, I'm a BULL! 

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE
OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME, WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY  BLOCKED THE VIEW, THREE MEN
DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO
MOVE.






IN A
VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I’M GOING TO MOVE TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>UTAH</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 100
NUNS LIVING THERE."







THE
SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>MONTANA</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING
THERE."







THE
THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO <st1:place w:st=“on”><st1:State w:st=“on”>IDAHO</st1:State></st1:place>, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING
THERE."







ONE
OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE
SAID, “WHY DON’T YOU GO TO HELL . THERE AREN’T ANY NUNS
THERE.”

Four guys in a diner in a booth.

1: I think it's spelled "W" "U" "M" "M"

Lady sitting in the booth behind them's ears perk up.

2: No I think it's "W" "O" "O" "M"

Lady sits up a little.

3: You're both wrong "W" "O" "U" "M" "B"

Lady is annoyed.

4: None of you guys can spell "W" "U" "O" "M" "B"

Lady stands up, turns around and says "For your information, IT is spelled "W" "O" "M" "B"!" and she spins around a nd stalks out!

1: You think she's right?

3: Nah, How would she know what an elephant fart sounds like?

What's the definition of a financial advisor?

Someone who wanted to go into accounting but didn't have the personality.

One this street in my city there is a Diner and across the street there is a laundry... Funny thing is the diner is run by a Greek guy and the laundry is run by a Chinese guy. (gofiggureitout!)

Well every Friday morning, before the shops open you can see the owners out sweeping up in front of their stores.

The guy from the diner, he's a tad too proud of his assimilation into American Culture and he always shouts across the street to his neighbor, "Hey chinaman! What day is it?"

The laundryman answers "It's Fliday."

"Haw haw haw! Fliday! Haw Haw Haw, You're in America now chinaman, learn how to speak American!"

The Laundry owner turns bright red and thinks words that my keyboard cannot express about his neighbor's "ribbing".

This goes on for several months before the laundrer decides to go to english class, night school. 

At the class the instructor is leading the class through the letters of the alphabet. Our hero stands up and says "No no no! I want to rearn the days ofa week!"

"Come after class and we'll do that!"

After class the instructor says "Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."

The student says "Sunnaymonnaytudaywensaythusayfliday satuday"

"No no, Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday"

"Sunnaymonnaytudaywensaythusay fffliday satuday.... Fliday....Fffffriday Friday! Friday Friday!!  Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday"

Next Friday morning, the rising sun saw the Laundry's sidewalk clean and the shop owner leaning on his broom. When the Diner owner came out to sweep up, he saw and said "Hey! Chinaman, what day is it?"

"It'sa FRIDAY, You Gleek PLICK!"

How can you distinguish the different clans in Scotland?

If there's a quarter pounder under his kilt, he's a MacDonald.

Heavy rains in NE foretell immigrant surge.

April showers bring May flowers and we all know what Mayflowers bring.

Speaking of the Mayflower,

Why do WASPs love to fly on commerical airlines?

For the food.

I wonder why those jokes remind me of this?

What's the difference between a pun and a fart!

A pun is a shift of wit

A fart is a wift of....

What do you get when you cross LSD with a birth control pill?

A trip without the kids.

What’s the difference between a deceptive dwarf and a prostitute with an STD?

One is a cunning runt...

What do a condom and a trombone player have in common?

Sometimes you have to use one, but it really feels better without it.

>      FWD

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
>
>       1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
>little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
>peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>
>       3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that
>one enjoys it?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       4. There are three religious truths:
>       a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
>       b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
>Christian faith.
>       c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
>Hooters.
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people
>from Holland called Holes?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*
>
>       8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
>bread to begin with?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*
>
>       9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a
>person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't
>it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
>deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
>depressed?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
>men?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       ! 15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
>lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for
>their final exam.
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
>spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
>What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
>pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
>deliver the mail?
>
>       *~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
>
>       18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
>are the others here for?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
>zigzag?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
>
>       *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
>
>       22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
>
>
>       24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put
>the two words "The" and "IRS" together, it spells
>       "THEIRS"?
>
>
>
>
>       "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and
>beat you.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

ooops,sorry in my post: looked liked the images transferred ok…too bad you missed them.

Then there was the soldier who was talking to Chelsea Clinton,
she askedhim about fear.

He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of –

Osama, Obama and Yo Mama