A Few Chuckles
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Ok this is so corny, I'll probably get slapped down, but it still makes me smile when I hear it....
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel between his legs.
The bartender looks up and says.."uh hey buddy, what's up with the steering wheel?"
The pirate says .."Arrrrr it's drivin me nuts"
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew the lightbulb.
Best and funniest impersonation of Bush I’ve ever seen.
http://www.wimp.com/bushcomedy/
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different
night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are
"Gentlemen,
start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law
against
it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
I just learned I'm an extreme redneck.
We have fridge on back patio...it's for easy access to the beer when swimming in the pool.
Ha!!!..got you beat.
We have one in the garage/workshop so we can have beer and drinks while working on autos and engines. Greasy car parts, headlight buckets and disassembled carburetors all over the place.
Hey skee, I think you'd fit right in, here in South Georgia, where my world financial headquarters is located. I'd furnish you with a vintage pick-up truck, a sharp polyester suit and I guarantee you'd make some serious money.
And if you couldn't make it in TyTy, Georgia; hell, just hook-up the office to your pick-up and haul it down the road to the next stop.
Why, I have you know, I've parked my office in the Walmart parking lot and opened 3 accounts before!
My job application only has two questions, that can only be answered by one of our kind:
1) What is "pot liquor"?
2) What is "chitlins"?
Let me know if you're interested!
LIFE…ACCORDING TO SKEEDADDY
MATHEMATICS:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
CORPORATE CULTURE:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATHS:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him
alittle.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
LONGEVITY:
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Q: Why is your dog licking his own butt?
A: He just bit a Jones broker and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth.
I would just like to thank everyone because that stuff was funny as hell. Made my day a little bit more enjoyable.
3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a German Shepard are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?
“I’m a pisser”, “I piss on everything”, the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owners bed.
So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. “Lethal injection” came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman turns to the Shepard and asked the same question.
“I’m a digger”, I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of the owner’s couch.
So, what they gonna go to you? “Lethal injection,” replied the Dejected Shepard.
The Shepard asked the Doberman why he was there.
"I’m a humper. I’ll hump anything, I’ll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn’t help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.
The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, lethal injection for you too, huh?”
No, No, the Doberman said.
“I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
The teacher was asking the kids what they wanted for christmas. She gets to Tommy.
“I was a ton of gold,” he said. "So I can get a Corvette when I grow up, just like my daddy."
She asks Bobby what he wants for Christmas. “I want a ton of platinum,” he said. “So I can get a Porche when I grow up, just like my daddy.” She finally gets to Johnny. “I want a ton of silicone,” he says.
“Why would you want a ton of silicone,” his teacher asks.
“My mom has two bags of silicone, and you should see how many sports cars we have out front of our house.”
Three Financial Advisors were in the steam room of a local gym one afternoon. One was from Merrill Lynch, The other was and Independant and the third was from Edward Jones.
After a while, they heard a strange beeping sound. The Merrill guy tapped his wrist and said "It's my cell phone. I had a micro-chip implanted."
A little while later, another odd ringing sound was heard. The Indy tapped the back of his hand and said "It's my Instant Messenger. I had a micro-chip implanted."
The Edward Jones guy, not wanting to be outdone by all this technology got an idea and went out to the mens' room. He returned a few minutes later with a stream of toilet paper coming out of his butt- He exclaimed "Well, will you look at that- I'm getting a FAX!"
(It said something about Jones being names number one.....
Broker monetary incentives have just been outlawed by the SEC. In addition, employment contracts have also been "null and voided". In their place, new incentives have been installed by B/D's, with much greater positive results. Read on:
Story taken from page 28, of May 2006 issue of Registered Rep: (Paraphrased)
Fifteen mob controlled B/D's were busted-up by Feds. Prior to the bust, to ensure brokers played along with the classic mob-inspired investment schemes, the mobsters used "enforced discipline" to deal with the uncooperative. In "one instance, a stock promoter was kidnaped and chained to a pit bull". In another, a cold-caller was hit over the head with a gold club". And one broker was stabbed after expressing his desire to leave the firm. (How's that for enforcing the noncompete clause!)
Appearing in future employment ad, for BOM position, for one of the majors:....Applicant must supply own pit bull, golf club, and butcher knife. Prefer applicants who can supply 3 character references that are currently doing time in a state pen.
a cold-caller was hit over the head with a gold club".
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Obviously, it should read "golf" club. However, I'm sure a "gold" club would achieve the same effect!