A Few Chuckles
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[quote=dude][quote=mikebutler222]
[quote=dude]...I'm not going to proclaim that I know 100% that he believes in the literal timeline presented by the Bible. [/quote]
IOW, got nothing. Now, back to jokes, you big lug
[/quote]
Agreed, talking too much about George Bush can be hazardous for your health...... and intellect.
[/quote]
A very good point. After all, look how ridiculous most Democrats look these days after 5 years of ranting about Bush. You’d think at some point it isn’t wise to keep calling a guy who’s made a habit of beating the tar out of you, “stoooopid”. <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Yeah well Democrats suck too. Bush is just an easier target IMO.
Elephants and Asses are conning the masses.........
[quote=SonnyClips]Could you call W's time in office the Deuterocanonical Bush Presidency? [/quote]
You can call it anything you want. I'm just thrilled we don't call it the Gore or Kerry presidency
[quote=dude]
Yeah well Democrats suck too. Bush is just an easier target IMO.
[/quote]
If you think he's an easier target you haven't been watching the unhinged left close enough
Another Tequila Joke
Christmas Cookes
<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juce
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl and check the Cuervo again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Add one teaspoon fo sugar. Beat again. At this point is is best to make sue the cuervo is still ok. Try another cup just in case.
Turn of the mexerer thinggy. Break 2 leggs and add to the owl and chuck in the cup of driend fruit and pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuevro to tonsisticity.
Niext sift two cutps of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, a sppon of sugar. Whatever you can find. Greash the overn.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat of the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas!
Note: Scotch will work just as well as Tequila in this recipe I have tested it.
Washington, DC (APE) - Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride admitted
to reporters that yesterday, while on a hunting trip with friends, Vice
President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a lawyer out of season. The
group was quail hunting at the time, and the lawyer, Harry Whittington,
78, was an old Cheney friend and member of the hunting party. A
Hospital physician stated that Whittington was just slightly stunned by the
accident and the injuries were very much superficial.
The accident comes on the heels of the American Bar Association’s this
week pronouncing that the organization is officially against the White
House’s illegal domestic wiretapping program. Witnesses say The accident
comes on the heels of the American Bar Association’s this week
pronouncing that the organization is officially against the White House’s
illegal domestic wiretapping program. Witnesses say that there may have
been some words exchange between Cheney and Whittington earlier in
the day over this very topic.
“There is just no way that anyone can construe this other than as an
accidental shooting,” stated spokeswoman McBride, "but that being said,
both the president and vice president have stated openly and repeatedly
that they have within their power the right to do anything, in order to
preserve the safety and security of our country."
Game wardens on hand immediately checked the vice president’s current
hunting license and gun registration which seem to be in order. They did
however point out that as of yesterday’s date and time lawyers are strictly
out of season and that in Texas there is no overlap between quail season
and lawyer season. Authorities stated that they would further investigate
any impropriety.
Whittington was fortunate in that an ambulance is always on hand with a
full medical team in support of the vice president’s fragile health. As a
result he was rapidly cared for and transported to a local hospital. Game
wardens, however, pointed out that it is illegal to hunt lawyers, even
when in season, with ambulances as decoys.
Spokeswoman McBride stated that the vice president was very relieved
that Whittington was okay and at this point would not alter any of his
scheduled activities for tonight and tomorrow. The vice president is due
in Austin, Texas to meet with the local NRA chapter and receive a lifetime
safe hunters award tomorrow morning.
y that there may have been some words exchange between Cheney and
Whittington earlier in the day over this very topic.
“There is just no way that anyone can construe this other than as an
aental shooting,” stated spokeswoman McBride, "but that being said, both
the president and vice president have stated openly and repeatedly that
they have within their power the right to do anything, in order to preserve
the safety and security of our country."
Game wardens on hand immediately checked the vice president’s current
hunting license and gun registration which seem to be in order. They did
however point out that as of yesterday’s date and time lawyers are strictly
out of season and that in Texas there is no overlap between quail season
and lawyer season. Authorities stated that they would further investigate
any impropriety.
Whittington was fortunate in that an ambulance is always on hand with a
full medical team in support of the vice president’s fragile health. As a
result he was rapidly cared for and transported to a local hospital. Game
wardens, however, pointed out that it is illegal to hunt lawyers, even
when in season, with ambulances as decoys.
Spokeswoman McBride stated that the vice president was very relieved
that Whittington was okay and at this point would not alter any of his
scheduled activities for tonight and tomorrow. The vice president is due
in Austin, Texas to meet with the local NRA chapter and receive a lifetime
safe hunters award tomorrow morning.
[quote=babbling looney]
Another Tequila Joke
Christmas Cookes
<?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juce
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla
Sample the Cuervo to check for quality. Take a large bowl and check the Cuervo again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Add one teaspoon fo sugar. Beat again. At this point is is best to make sue the cuervo is still ok. Try another cup just in case.
Turn of the mexerer thinggy. Break 2 leggs and add to the owl and chuck in the cup of driend fruit and pick the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Cuevro to tonsisticity.
Niext sift two cutps of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table, a sppon of sugar. Whatever you can find. Greash the overn.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat of the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
Cherry Mistmas!
Note: Scotch will work just as well as Tequila in this recipe I have tested it.
[/quote]
The adminstrators may pull this joke. They didn't like the one about the lady at the hardware store and the teapot. So read fast.
An old cowboy sat down at the Star bucks and ordered a cup of coffee.As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows,going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
In honor of the Soprano’s return to TV, I offer this joke.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has taken him for ten
million bucks.
This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit
why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a
deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to
testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the $10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?” The attorney, using sign language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I
don’t know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re
talking about.” That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it
to the bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell
him!” The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in
Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what’d he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don’t you just love lawyers ?
Life is all about ass;
you’re either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get some of it,
or behaving like one.
Jersey driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be
filled in by someone else, putting you in an even more dangerous
situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you
have of getting hit.
4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance,
the other operator probably has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal
violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a
good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion
and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed
up or move over doesn’t mean that a New York driver flashing his
high beams behind you can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the
victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the
home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public
Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers’
reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is the tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in
front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light
turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important for you to exit your vehicle through the windshield right
away. Wearing your seat-belt will only impede your hi-velocity
escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get
ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In New Jersey, ‘flipping the bird’ is considered a polite
salute. This gesture should always be returned.
Thank You,
The New Jersey Registrar of Motor Vehicles
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la Casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women Won!
How to say ‘I love you’ in 25 languages…
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T’aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai sh*te Imasu
Thai
Phom rak khun
Italian
Ti amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Akar
Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Florida
Nice Ass , Get in the truck