Weekend Joke
63 RepliesJump to last post
A very wealthy financil advisor says to his wife, " Honey, if I lost all my money, would you still love me ?"
" Of course I would," replied the wife, " But I'd miss you ... "
Some (decidedly one-sided, but funny) political humor from the late night talk shows…
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete, but she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.' --- Jay Leno'Well, the big story -- - Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.' --- Jay Leno
'Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.' --- Conan O'Brien
'In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why
President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk.' --- Jay Leno
'Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is
elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton --- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.' --- Jay Leno
'Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? "For Sale" --- Jay Leno
'A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.' ' --- Jay Leno
'Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all
ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business
partners can vote for her in 2008.' --- Jay Leno
'Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.' --- Craig Kilborn
In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting
married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then, on page two, the trouble starts.' --- Jay Leno
'In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,
she said, 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said.' --- David Letterman
'Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York , announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.'--- David Letterman
'Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.' --- Jay Leno
'Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.' --- Craig Kilborn
'CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.' --- Jay Leno
'Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New
York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible; the one with only seven commandments.' --- David Letterman
I went back to packing, looked and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.
'The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor. 'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless. 'The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'we're not welcome at Home Depot eitherI wonder if Tom Brady has this much class…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnCkxTYew-0Pink Taco: last one better than the booger one.
Hey, even Trolls can post funnies, too! Yaba dabba doooo. This just in...Life's Rules
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5 I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have"Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
PS: Happy Holidays! Happy New Year! I must say it was a real rollercoast ride hanging out here during the past year: very memorable to say the least.
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
I just saw on CNN that Monica Lewinski changed her registration to Republican. Apparently the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.
At Northern Zoos, they place the name of the animal and its scientific name (in Latin) on the cage. In the South, they put the animal’s name and a recipe on the cage.
From the land of boiled okra and pot liquor...yum-yum!The WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invtations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
And the moral of this story is:
........Always keep your condoms in your car
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'
Johnny’s teacher tells the class “Today we are going to play a guessing game. I’m going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I’m holding. Ok, the first object I’m holding under the desk is long and yellow.”
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!" "No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think." "The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round" Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!" "No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think." Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher. "I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it" No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !" Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"Superman is bored one night and wants to go out on the town. So he goes over to Spiderman’s house to see if he wants to go out. Spiderman is busy with Mary Jane so Superman goes to Batman’s house to see if he would like to go out. Batman is on duty so no go there.
Superman decided to heck with it he will go out by himself. After hours of drinking, Superman is flying around (quite drunk) and feeling a little in need of female companionship. So Superman decides to fly over to Wonder Woman's house. When he gets there he uses his xray vision and sees WW lying spread eagle naked on her bed. Not feeling like going through the effort of romance, Superman decides to just fly in there and do his business with his super human speed. (Small gust of air) Wonder Woman: What was that?!? Invisible Man: I don't know but my a$$ sure hurts!!Tues Joke:
GIVING UP WINE
I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?"
"No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless
woman told me.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?"
I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.
"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"
I asked. & amp; amp; amp; amp; lt; BR>
"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. "
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping,
hair appointments and wine."
http://www.jibjab.com/view/211590
[quote=BondGuy]Johnny’s teacher tells the class “Today we are going to play a guessing game. I’m going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I’m holding. Ok, the first object I’m holding under the desk is long and yellow.”
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!" "No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think." "The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round" Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!" "No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think." Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher. "I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it" No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !" Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"[/quote] I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG[quote=MISS JONES][quote=BondGuy]Johnny’s teacher tells the class “Today we are going to play a guessing game. I’m going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I’m holding. Ok, the first object I’m holding under the desk is long and yellow.”
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!" "No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think." "The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round" Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!" "No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think." Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher. "I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it" No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !" Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"[/quote] I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG[/quote] Thanks. It's cute and mostly clean enough for Rotary. Keep the jokes coming. I too repeat what I read here.