Weekend Joke
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The Hypnotist at the Senior Center....
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique ue watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch , watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"sh*t." said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center
Husband’s note on refrigerator for wife:
> > > >>
> > > >> Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
> > > >> They said the Pabst beer is normal.
> > > >> I didn’t know you liked beer!
Ok I can't resist
A 17 y/o boy goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a package of condoms. The pharmacist says " Hot date tonight?" and the boy goes on about the sure thing he has tonight how she puts out for everybody and how after dinner he is going to take her somwhere where she promised they'd go at it all night.
Excited he dresses and shows up at her house for the dinner they need to get through. All through dinner he is very quiet and barely raises his voice or even his head. Not the outgoing hunk she thought she was getting she says when she gets a chance "I didn't know you were so shy."
He says "I didn't know your Dad is a pharmacist."
Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother is lying in bed, when the big bad wolf burst through the door.
" Give me all your money" demands the wolf, snarling and showing his big teeth.
" Oh no you don't, " says the grandmother, pulling out a revolver from under the covers and training it on the wolf, " You're going to eat me, like it says in the book."
Two (fill in your favorite ethnicity here) were walking down the street, and
saw a German Shepherd in the gutter licking himself. One turned to the
other and said, “Gee, I wish I could do that!” The other replied, “Pet him and
make sure he’s friendly first.”
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:
>1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooksfrom time to time, cleans and has a job.
>2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
>3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
>4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
>5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other !!!!
I like number 1 (helps) - some men get married to have an available maid and sexmate.
FIVE RULES FOR WOMEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPY LIFE:
>1. It's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooksfrom time to time, cleans and has a job. Did I mention that it is important that he has a job and helps to pay half of the expenses to include life insurance.
>2. It's important to have a man who can make you laugh.
>3. It's important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
>4. It's important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
>5. It's very, very important that to find one man with all of these qualities: otherwise, don't bother to get married!! And don't bother finding one man with one quality - not worth your time if he has deficits and an unbalanced account.
Better to be single and happier!
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
intothe deep end.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. The Head Nurse immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
"Edna, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you’re being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a
sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in
the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.
“He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?”
Subject: A Woman’s Point of View
>
>
>
>
>A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a
>particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for
>a couple of dollars for dinner.
>
>The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If
>I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
>dinner?”
>
>
>
>“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman replied.
>
>“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
>
>
>
>“No, I don’t waste time shopping”, the homeless woman said. “I need to
>spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
>
>“Will you spend this at a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
>
>
>
>“Are you NUTS?” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done
>in 20 years!”
>
>“Well,” said the woman, "I’m not going to give you the money. Instead,
>I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myselftonight. The
>homeless woman was astounded.
>
>
>
>
>
>“Won’t your husband be furious
>with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty
>disgusting.”
>
>The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a
>woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and
>wine.”
Intensive lessons in Chinese are now being offered at BlackStone Group.
(You MUST read them out loud.)
English/Chinese
That’s not right / Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive? / Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP / Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man / Dum Fuk
Small Horse / Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? / Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table / Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift / Chin Tu Fat
It’s very dark in here / Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet / Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone / No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week / Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight / Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile / Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive / Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great / Fa Kin Su Pa
Alright, who wants to hear my favorite long funnyassed dirty joke?
If you do, then get somebody good at it to read you this one here!
So a client of mine, this is a true story now see, he spent a number of years after wife died workin and travellin the world. For a time he was up there fishing for them King crabs like they show on the television. Afore that he was working in a timber camp in the northwest territories. Long about five years ago, he went through Turkey, got himself stuck in one of those Turkish prisons. And after that he went to Nepal to study with the monks and the hermits and the like. Well, I guess it didn't take but he did finally get over missing his wife, so the boy come back home.
I, being his stockbroker and what not, was the one he would come to to get some money when he needed it. He came in the first day and he said "Gimme $50." I said "ok" I didn't ask him what it was for.
Turns out, the boy went to find a hooker. He found one, see and the whore takes my client up to the room. Client says "I, got $40 here and I'm in 'the mood!'"
Whore said to him "You don't get no leg for no $40 bill, where you been boy?"
Client says "What? Well what can I get for $40."
Whore says "For $40 you could get hand service!"
Client says "Hand Service? For $40?!!"
Whore says "Honey chile, come over to this here window...(Client moves over to the window which looks down onto the street. The whore is pointing down towards a beautiful silver Mercedes SLK convertible) You see that MERcedes Benz down there?"
"yeah..."
"That's MY MERcedes Benz, and I got that Mercedes Benz because I give the BEST hand service in the entire state! Boy I'm cutting you some slack when I'm charging you just $40!"
Well my client was out of sorts, he didn't know quite what to do,he hadn't been with any woman since his wife, and they were married since they got out of High School. So he figured "Well, ok, if you're that good..."
And so was it done.
The very next morning he woke up and said to hisself "That didn't do it!" It was nice and all but my client had a powerful desire. He showed up in my office and said "I need $300!" and off he went to find the whore.
In the room he said "OK whore! No fooling around, here's $200! Spread em!"
Whore says "$200? You don't get no stinky for no $200! Boy where you been?"
"HUH???"
"For $200 you get yourself some lipservice."
"Whaaa? T t two hunneredollars..."
"Honey chile, come over to this window... (the client moved over to the window, it had a beautiful view of the city skyline... the whore was pointing to a gleaming building and at the penthouse apartment of that building) you see that penthouse apartment up there?"
"uh huh..."
"That's MY penthouse apartment. I own that penthouse because I am the best at giving lipservice in the tristate area. Ain't nobody, doesn't leave here without they got a smile on they face!"
"I like to smile, it's been so long since I smiled!"
He couldn't say that again soon.
Next morning he was just plain old mad! he came into my office and said to me "Gimme a $1,000!"
In the room he slapped the whole $1,000 on the table and roared "WHORE I want what you got NOW!"
"Honey chile, come over to the her window...(the client went to the window and it looked out on a beautiful bay... the whore was pointing) You see that island over there?"
"Yes...?"
"Now if I had me a Va gina, I'd own that island!
(I'm here all week, try the veal!)
Two men are discussing what they bought their wives for Valentines day.
The richer of the two says he bought his wife a Mercedes Benz and a diamond ring.
His friend asks "Why'd you buy her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like the ring she can return it in her brand new car. What'd you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator"
"Why'd you buy her those?"
"So if she dont like the slippers she can go f$#k herself"
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would y'all like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.” <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
[quote=Indyone]
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would y'all like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch.” <?:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
[/quote]
The Why's of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T MEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN
(You need a rough draft before you make final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN
(Don't know....it never happened)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH ?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
What did the elephant say when he saw the naked native standing behind the bush?
"How do you eat peanuts with that thing?"