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Should Parents Tell Their Adult Children What’s in their Estate-Planning Documents? NoShould Parents Tell Their Adult Children What’s in their Estate-Planning Documents? No

Avi Kestenbaum doesnt recommend it in most situations

Avi Z. Kestenbaum, Partner

February 23, 2015

2 Min Read
Should Parents Tell Their Adult Children What’s in their Estate-Planning Documents? No

Most of the time, I would advise parents not to do so.  In the majority of cases, doing so will lead to more aggravation and feeling of uneasiness and resentment and, potentially, more fights and disputes for several reasons. Let’s take the example of parents in their 60s telling their children in their 40s what they’ll be receiving, the parents are essentially begging their children to complain to them: “Why am I getting this, or why can’t I have more or have it sooner? Also, “Why is that sibling getting this?” Parents need to be strong and decisive. By law, they don’t have to leave their children anything—and I think by almost asking their children and, thereby, almost making them partners in the process, they’re creating more issues than they’re solving.

Second, parents may live another 20, 30 or 40 years. For the rest of the their lives, their children are going to be driving them crazy, asking: “Hey I want more, sooner, why am I getting this?” and now, the parents can’t change their minds because if they do, the other sibling may say: “Wait a minute, I was supposed to get that. You told me 20 years ago, now I’m getting something different or less.” Parents shouldn’t be badgered by their children and should have the flexibility to change their minds and not be unduly influenced or bound by prior statements. 

Last, parents should be seen as parents, with respect and admiration, and I think if they invite a discussion of what’s in their will or estate planning documents, the children will see dollar bills in place of their parents’ heads like those we see in cartoons.

Of course, every family and situation is different. I’m not saying never to tell the children, but parents should consider all the factors. One important factor is: Are the assets being divided equally? If so, it’s less likely there will be fights unless one child feels he should be receiving more, such as when a business is involved and one child is working in the business or made it more valuable.

Avi Z. Kestenbaum is an equity partner of the Long Island law firm Meltzer Lippe and the co-chair of the firm's Trusts & Estates Department.

About the Author

Avi Z. Kestenbaum

Partner, Meltzer Lippe

Avi co-chairs our Trust & Estates Practice Group, nationally ranked Tier 1 by U.S. News and World Report, and chairs our Tax Exempt Organizations Practice Group. He is also a partner in the firm’s Business & Real Estate Taxation, Trust & Estate Litigation and Private Wealth & Taxation groups. Avi provides creative and sophisticated domestic and international tax, estate planning, and asset preservation counsel to CEOs of major corporations, ultra high net worth individuals, multinational businesses, and large charitable organizations. He has also successfully represented many clients, including individuals, trusts and estates, businesses and charitable organizations with IRS and state tax audits. His practice places special emphasis on domestic and international tax and trust planning, “big picture” philosophy, family business succession planning and effectively dealing with estate disputes. His diverse client base is located in New York City, Long Island and in many other states and countries. Over the years, Avi’s practice has continued to rapidly expand into several additional complex and sophisticated areas including, but not limited to: international tax and wealth preservation planning; family business succession planning; tax and estate controversies; corporate and partnership business structuring; and income tax planning for closely held businesses and real estate clients, all of which require an individually tailored philosophy and customized documentations. Avi serves as legal advisor to many prominent charitable organizations and has developed a niche practice in the complicated area of charitable planning and the structuring and operations of nonprofit organizations under federal and state laws dealing with complex issues including, lobbying, advocacy, unrelated business income tax, joint ventures, avoiding excise taxes and foreign and philanthropic charities. Avi is also co-founder of STEP Long Island and has a substantial international tax and estate planning practice. Over the last few years Avi has been pursuing a national platform advocating all estate planning attorneys to better understand their client’s unique situations to create individually tailored plans to mitigate the potential for and effects of estate litigations, in addition to avoiding costly income and estate taxes.

Avi has also published dozens of articles in leading national tax, estate planning and tax-exempt organization publications, including, among others, Estate Planning Journal, Trusts and Estates, Leimberg’s Newsletter, Practical Tax Strategies, Journal of Taxation of Exempts, and The New York Law Journal, Special Trusts and Estates Sections (see firm website for some of these articles). He is a prominent national lecturer for and to prestigious professional organizations including, but not limited to, “The NYU Tax Institute,” the “Notre Dame Tax and Estate Planning Institute,” the “New York State Bar Association,” “Ed Slott’s Master Elite Program,” the “American Bar Association,” “Trust and Estates Magazine,” the “American Bankers Association,” the “Estate Planning Council of New York” and “The New York State CPA Society, Annual Estate Planning Conference,” “STEP,” and several national insurance companies and nonprofit institutions. He is often quoted in Forbes, Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post, USA Today, New York Post, Investor’s Business Daily, and other major publications. Avi is also a member of Trusts & Estates Magazine editorial and advisory board, where he is Chair of The Modern Practice Committee. He is also an Adjunct Tax Professor at Hofstra University School of Law(and formerly with the Baruch MBA Program). He is an ACTEC Fellow and is recognized in Super Lawyers and Best Lawyers in America. Prior to joining Meltzer Lippe, Avi obtained complex tax and estate planning experience with prestigious law firms in New York City, New Jersey and Florida and as a Trust Administrator for Smith Barney/Citigroup Private Trust Company. Avi received his Bachelors of Science from Touro College, summa cum laude, Juris Doctor from Brooklyn Law School and Masters of Law in Taxation from the University of Miami School of Law. Avi received academic scholarships for his high achievement at each of these institutions and is admitted to practice in New York and New Jersey. Avi enjoys spending time with his wife Laurie and their six lively children.