Recently, while participating in a career networking event for aspiring high school students, I was inspired by a mentee to reevaluate and improve my mentoring game, in part to learn to relate more influentially and mutually beneficially with members of Gen Z, who’re beginning to enter the workforce en masse and are appreciably different from their millennial predecessors. I’ve been mentoring for decades and been thanked profusely by many whom I’ve helped over the years, so what could I learn, right?
In my previous article on this topic, among the best practices that I recommended to incorporate into your mentoring approach are that of linking—connecting your mentees to others in your network who can provide alternative perspectives as well as serve as additional resources for them—as well as that of ensuring that your mentoring relationships are mutually beneficial by adopting the practice of asking for guidance from your mentees in every interaction. If you make your mentoring a two-way street and help your mentees develop both broader exposure and a broader network, the research suggests that the relationship will be much more mutually beneficial.
And, I’m happy to report, there are other research-verified best practices that you should incorporate into your mentoring skill set. For example, let’s take a step back: When do you most often deliver your mentoring guidance? Is it only when asked? If so there’s a huge opportunity for you to move from single-instance advice to mentoring relationships that reflect a continual exchange based on continuous learning. It’s an approach developed by Everwise, which is a pioneering (outsourced) professional development company.
Imagine if you learn something meaningful and then share it proactively with your mentee(s). My intuition is that 90% or more of your calls with them are incoming, but what this new technique is showing is that the closer this ratio gets to 50/50, the better off all parties are. So, pick up the phone and share something that you’ve just learned with some or all of the folks you’re ostensibly guiding.
And let’s go a step further: Again, why do you most often wait until asked to provide guidance? Is it because you’re the busier, more responsible and more knowledgeable partner in the relationship, but you’ve got a heart of gold so you’ll make time from time to time for someone seeking your knowledge?
That’s admirable, indeed … and also suboptimal: The research is deep and clear that the more you invest in a mentoring relationship, the better off all parties are. And, by more, we’re not only talking volume but referencing a more holistic opportunity: as a veteran Wall Street executive shared in (the title and body of) his recent Harvard Business Review article, “Great Mentors Focus on the Whole Person, Not Just Their Career.”
For example, how much do you know about your mentees’ personal lives? My intuition is: not that much. And how much have you shared about your personal life? Even less, I bet. But as Mr. Woolworth suggests, “aspiring leaders need more and better mentoring than they are getting today,” including a focus broader than merely their career advancement. To encourage this, he suggests that when you share your own stories be sure that they include both personal and professional insights and that when you ask questions of your mentees ensure that their responses reflect this dual focus.
Another key strategy that he highlights is to “remember that most of mentoring is ‘caught not taught’”:
“We have all heard that roughly 90% of communication is nonverbal. Many mentors don’t realize that their lasting imprint on a mentee is often how they conduct their life, whether at work, home, or other settings. How you serve as a role model is as important as your face-to-face meetings.”
Are you clear on the importance of your (holistic) example? Are you as committed to providing a multifaceted, comprehensive example to emulate consistently as you are to providing nuggets of wisdom from time to time? In other words, are you fully invested in your mentoring relationships or are they meaningful yet minor embellishments to your career?
Finally, are you accepting what your mentees ask of and share with you at face value or do you challenge them a bit from time to time? And do you ask them to challenge you when you ask and/or share? I encourage you to consider incorporating the practice of selective challenging into your mentoring game, both to help both parties elevate the exchange as well as to address a “performance risk” inherent to this type of relationship.
For example, have you ever been asked a question that intuitively strikes you as being proffered because it aligns with what the other person thinks that you want to hear as opposed to what they may actually want to know? Don’t get me wrong, if it’s early in the conversation, such “puffball” inquiries can serve as conversation starters, but if you know someone reasonably well or are reasonably far along in the conversation, the insubstantial is unhelpful: It crowds out more meaningful exchanges.
In my recent experience, too many ambitious people, especially those earlier long in their career paths, tend to try to manipulate their audience by seeking responses to more obvious or superficial questions rather than leverage the opportunity to engage candidly (which also means that the risk of exposing their own ignorance and/or challenging their mentor of the moment). I used to attribute this to nervousness and overlook it, but one of my own mentors challenged me on this recently.
As he pointed out, truth be told, substantive interactions are unfortunately all too rare; hence, it’s imperative that each such opportunity be engaged fully. This might seem like common sense, but the moment that he uttered it, I knew that he had offered a deeper insight: It’s not just that our time is typically limited so that we should make the most of it, but, more importantly, if we’re truly committed to mutual uplift and development, then we’re compelled to bring our “A game” all of the time … otherwise, in effect, we’re just phoning it in.
I liken this to the experience of a phenomenon that I’ve come to call “mentor’s (or leader’s) remorse,” which typically occurs sometime after a conversation when an even better insight or solution pops into your head. Having missed the moment, there’s always a sense of regret, including because you can’t always reestablish the developmental exchange sufficiently and effectively. How often have you been unable to reconnect with someone in real time when such a meaningful opportunity appears?
Can you send an email summarizing your “eureka moment?” Of course, and, if this is the only option you have, take it. But one way to avoid being in this situation is by challenging yourself and the others with whom you interact, especially your mentees, and in the moment, to stretch themselves and you by challenging assumptions, offering alternative perspectives and asking them questions that can turn out to be pretty smart in the end.
In sum, it’s imperative that you not allow yourself to operate from your comfort zone with respect to mentoring exchanges, but to challenge yourself and your partners to maximize the synergistic potential in each interaction. In other words, no pontification allowed: It’s time for you to get fully into the game, too, coach.
So, by grounding your mentoring approach in the practice of proactive continuous learning, by focusing holistically in your interactions with each other and by challenging each other constructively in your exchanges, you’ll not only make more meaningful contributions in your role as mentor, but you’ll also meaningfully increase the mutual benefit from these relationships, which is a textbook example of “win-win” mentoring mastery.
One last thought: I hope that, if you don’t necessarily consider yourself as being in a mentoring role that often, you’ll substitute the word “advisor” for “mentor” above and see how this opportunity expands for you.
Walter K. Booker is the chief operating officer of MarketCounsel, a business and regulatory compliance consultancy for investment advisors.
