Funniest cold calling rebuttals?

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ironaut's picture
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Joined: 2010-08-25

Hi All -With all the discussion of cold calling on this forum, I think some humor is well overdue. Does anyone care to share the funniest canned rebuttals they've come across? My favorite (from another thread) is:    Prospect: I need to ask my wife    Broker: Go ahead, mine already told me I could sell to you.  

BigFirepower's picture
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Joined: 2010-07-09

Been years... but.... If someone hung up on me, sometimes I'd call back; "Mr. Jones, sorry about that, must have had a bad line and got disconnected..." then, they'd go ballistic...Seriously, I subscribe to the theory of when objections come up, get off the phone as fast as you can. A talky NO, can eat up 10-15 minutes of your time. Instead, you could make 5-10 more hits.  

gethardgetraw's picture
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Joined: 2009-10-22

exactly. "thankyouvermuch" funniest thing ive heard though is "oh no thanks, we're taken care of""oh ok, are you working with someone here in town?""yes, we're with the Money Store." ... hahahahah ok good luck :)

Beagle's picture
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Joined: 2005-03-21

Guy I worked with one time loved to argue with prospects and better yet be forceful. His clients were almost always surgeons and his opinion was that you had to show them you were more important than they were.  Two come to mind that we went through while he was training me:a) the surgeon says "I can't talk now, I'm eating breakfast" and the broker says "put the damn spoon down and push that (insert your favorite cuss word) bowl of Corn Flakes to the side because I'm hear to make you some (reinsert that word again) money."b) the surgeon was literally put on the speaker phone while in surgery for some reason (wasn't even a client), you could hear the others talking.  The surgeon says he can't talk because he's in surgery and the broker says "hey, the patient is unconscience and will still be unconscience when I'm done making you some money". You'd be shocked how often he made sales.  His client base was constantly having to be replaced though because people quickly got tired of it but he didn't seem to care. 

jackofalltrades's picture
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Joined: 2009-05-20

Beagle wrote:Guy I worked with one time loved to argue with prospects and better yet be forceful. His clients were almost always surgeons and his opinion was that you had to show them you were more important than they were.  Two come to mind that we went through while he was training me:a) the surgeon says "I can't talk now, I'm eating breakfast" and the broker says "put the damn spoon down and push that (insert your favorite cuss word) bowl of Corn Flakes to the side because I'm hear to make you some (reinsert that word again) money."b) the surgeon was literally put on the speaker phone while in surgery for some reason (wasn't even a client), you could hear the others talking.  The surgeon says he can't talk because he's in surgery and the broker says "hey, the patient is unconscience and will still be unconscience when I'm done making you some money". You'd be shocked how often he made sales.  His client base was constantly having to be replaced though because people quickly got tired of it but he didn't seem to care.   I think we used to work together, as i know a guy just like this...

BullRunt's picture
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Joined: 2009-11-17

This is from one of my posts this past spring.I was cold calling today and an older woman picked up and I gave my introduction followed by a bit of silence.  Very politley she asks me if like carpet, I say "yes," which she promptly follows up with, "well then why don't you eat mine."  I am completely dumbfounded and say "excuse me," and she follows up with "you heard me you turd, eat it," then the ubiquitous click.Anyone else get any of these types of responses?  I also had a guy tell me that I no longer exist, and tells me I'm no better than a beggar on a street acting like a tellar behind a counter at a bank.  He then lays into the "man" and the shadow gov't always trying to steal a buck from him and his family going back to the days of slavery and oppression.  I am always thrilled with these types of rejections and it actually motivates me to call more just to hear what other people might say.

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

So on a scale of one to ten for enjoying interrupting people and annoying them with your sales pitch, you're a ten. At least you're having fun. I can't wait until the day when our industry restrains itself from pitching to things like "low hanging fruit", and people who can't say no. The biggest joke is on you, or at least your associates who quit, when you find out you're a tool. Oh wait a minute, bond guy is going to get some of those assigned accounts... there's a silver lining. You're so persuasive!

B24's picture
B24
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Joined: 2008-07-08

Tenth, man, lighten up.  Now, I'm not a cold-caller, but people cold-call in all kinds of businesses.  If you manufacture squirt guns, what are you gonna do, go to your local Chamber events and try to pitch people?  No, you cold call all the toy retailers in the U.S. that buy squirt guns.  That's exactly what BondGuy does.  He cold calls people he thinks will buy bonds.

BondGuy's picture
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Joined: 2006-09-21

And i don't take inherited accts. Tenth, give it up. if you have something of value to add, then add it. If not then all you're doing is leaving a bad scent along your snake trail.

BigFirepower's picture
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Joined: 2010-07-09

Bond Guy and Tenth. Time for both of you to agree to disagree, and drop it. Discussion board, not an argument board...

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

BG puts the final nail in the coffin of the challenger. His followers remain silent.

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

24, squirtguns, really? They're called purchasing agents. You guys go for it.

BondGuy's picture
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Joined: 2006-09-21

Big, you're right. But in the five years or so that i've been on this board, common sense has never prevailed. And, by historical standards this doesn't even rate. Look up mikebutler222 or Allreit. Tenth is pissed because i pinned him down like a butterfly at a high school science fair. That said, Im not going to let this guy crap all over something just because he's got his nose in the air.  He's welcomed to his opinion.  He's not welcome to take a dump in a place where people are looking for help, and where a rookie could mistake his negative diatribe as fact.

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

You're right, I hate cold calling. We should agree to disagree. I'm pissed that guys like you continue to give our profession a bad name with the public. But then you never bothered to get your CFP or help the profession evolve. I've also figured out that you are a corporate suck-up, with a vested interest in cold calling. Which explains how you can also be a liberal. Political correctness can get you lots of assigned accounts. Political correctness is learned, not genetic. The fact is, wirehouses accrete the labor of young callers - some of them become like you, most blow out, and you take some of the acccounts. Conflict of interest. You're quick to claim "victory". Everyone is continuously free to choose how they conduct themselves. You're all about ME, BG. Guys like Allreit and the rest don't want to waste their time here. That's just too bad for the RR forum, and the next generation of advisors who don't fit into your little cold calling cubical. Because you have to take every discussion to a place where you "win". Now you "won", and you're back in control. It's okay with me if you have your little place on the internet, in fact, it has been kind of interesting and educational for me, so thanks. But I stand by my claim that cold calling is bad for our profession, and there are good alternatives, but it would hurt guys like you.  Period.

Mike Damone's picture
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Joined: 2004-12-01

Prospect:  Go to hell.Broker: Homosaywhat?Prospect: What? 

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

And since you have only cold called or taken accounts from blown out rookies, you're not really qualified to be taking shots at guys who have done both. You're really just good at being PC, not marketing. Talk about a snake.

ironaut's picture
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Joined: 2010-08-25

The cold calling rebuttals are hilarious.@Bigfirepower I literally laughed out loud. @tenthtee - you obviously dislike cold callers, care to take them down a peg by joking about them instead of harshing the vibe?   

B24's picture
B24
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Joined: 2008-07-08

tenthtee wrote:24, squirtguns, really? They're called purchasing agents. You guys go for it. Or buyers.  Which is exactly what everyone is.  I have heard of people disagreeing with cold-calling, but you are taking this thing to a whole new level.  I just don't understand your disdain for BG.

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

A broker cold calls a prospect and says, " I'm a licensed professional, a registered representative." The prospect , sitting at her computer, husband nearby, wonders, what is a rr? So with the rr on the line, Googles Registered Representative and finds a thread called, "Funniest Cold Calling Rebuttals", picks out the appropriate response, and goes back to doing what she was doing before she was pulled off by the phone call that she thought was going to be her surgeon giving results from reading a biopsy report that was delayed by handling a cold call from a registered representative. This was a small town, so it was a coincidence that they all ended up at Ten's educational lunch at the club. Except the cold calling broker wasn't invited. The woman's test report was okay, and everyone took the afternoon off and went golfing, since they already had enough money and were invested in moderate portfolios and it was a beautiful summer day. Everyone forgot about the cold calling broker, and life became more peaceful after ten helped them call the phone company and get caller ID switched on their phones. Life flowed on like a lazy river.

BigFirepower's picture
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Joined: 2010-07-09

For a few years, I had a prospect base of about 2000 folks, that had at least 25k at the bank. I'd call them, over, and over, until they became disqualified. An interesting thing I learned about that, was that if I called the number, the person was really rude, there was about a 95% chance they'd act the same way next time when I called, say 6-8 weeks later. So, I sharpened my skills in deleting names more quickly. Also, objectionist talkies, were really just in it, for the sport of saying no. Oh, and "mail me something", resulted in .....ONE new account over all those years. I was literally stunned, when about 13 years into my career, someone actually read the stuff I sent, then walked in with a check. I'm still stunned...  "Send me something" is like a gal telling you "she wants to be friends"....

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

24, it's okay if you don't get it.

BigFirepower's picture
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Joined: 2010-07-09

B24 wrote:tenthtee wrote:24, squirtguns, really? They're called purchasing agents. You guys go for it. Or buyers.  Which is exactly what everyone is.  I have heard of people disagreeing with cold-calling, but you are taking this thing to a whole new level.  I just don't understand your disdain for BG. I'll bet an entire dollar, they're brothers.

BondGuy's picture
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Joined: 2006-09-21

Tenth, you seem to have many issues with an industry that has made you rich. I can understand that, as i have issues with the industry as well. Past the indentured slave labor of using trainees to enrich big teams though, we have only one thing in common. We feel the same way about inherited accounts.  Allreit was shown the door here because the mods finally tired of his out of control rants. Sometimes it was fun to read, but usually, way too far over the top.

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

Sorry,  I don't believe you about the assigned accounts. I agree, it's easier to try to impress your dog than to take a controversial stand about cold calling on the RR forum.

B24's picture
B24
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Joined: 2008-07-08

tenthtee wrote:24, it's okay if you don't get it. Thanks for the affirmation.  My day is complete.

BondGuy's picture
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Joined: 2006-09-21

tenthtee wrote:Sorry,  I don't believe you about the assigned accounts. I agree, it's easier to try to impress your dog than to take a controversial stand about cold calling on the RR forum. There's a big surprise!You lost me on the dog comment.Tell ya what, instead of spouting off about how you wish the industry would change and develope a "more professional" marketing program for rookies, why don't YOU start a thread in the rookies forum about social prospecting. Give them the White Paper on how to build a business from the ground up, from day one, using Country Club membership or what ever social prospecting means you would recommend. Keep in mind the elimination hoops set  by the industry as the trainess progress in that they have to meet those standards or they are out. Instead of whining about things, change them. Show rookies the way. And, as long as you don't go negative on alternative marketing channels I'll stay out of the thread.You have a strong opinion. And, even though i disagree with some aspects of your opinion, i don't totally disagree with you. This place is suppose to help people. You've done it, you've succeeded. Give back. Show rookies the way. Show us whatchagot!

tenthtee's picture
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Joined: 2006-11-16

Thanks for the invite BG. Sales is about being positive. I came here to find a few folks who want to compare notes on social prospecting, and ended up challenging the wirehouse coldcalling model - which is a tiresome exercise after a couple of decades of witness. My business was started with calling "leads", where the prospect had requested info off a mass mailing. These were still mostly cold and invasive, and pretty much set up the dynamic of broker chasing prospect. It was a way to learn the business, and if you got lucky, some guys got a few fish that were big enough to eat and survive. I totally respect the guts and sweat equity of cold calling. Many brokers around me were PC and got the blowout accounts, I am self made and went independent, and went to referrals and marketing as soon as possible. I only found one poster here who seems interested in alternative. As far as the wirehouse, this became personal and I guess you became the poster boy. I believe the economics of the accretion of the labor of rookies cold calling pretty much speaks for itself. A business owner once reminded me, you cannot serve two masters. The economics of the cold calling model is being severely tested, but I can see it is still profitable. Therefore, I believe you may be right in your implied claim that this is a cold calling forum. Sales is about affirmation and activity. Someone just posted that getting clients is about introductions. Right on. A numbers game, in that sense. Obviously, it does not take a lot of money to get out of the office and meet people, just imagination and confidence. The biggest impediment is the structure of the trainers - people with capital to hire - and the conflicts of interest around the accretion of rookie labor. Wirehouses are going more to the team model, RIAs are hiring Jrs., and independents are growing, but many of the "planners" are growing old, and should be mentoring the next generation. Mainly, if I was a young person coming into the business, I would be very careful about where I signed on - learn the business and make some money before worrying about having your own book. Great claims are made about how much money you can make in this business, but many are disappointed. As for comparing social prospecting techniques, systems, and success, I have been trying to ramp up my own client aquistion as I am quite comfortable but will need to grow for the next decade to achieve my personal goals. Also, this is an exciting business and should be a great time. There is so much bad news built into the market, America is like a coiled spring that will be unleashed, and people need our help and we will be well paid. But I'm just a solo shop owner, also in the sales business, and need to stay positive. So I'll keep implementing my plan, which has more to do with small educational lunches than golf, and best case I'll take on an intern in the coming year, to give back and walk the talk. Like the man says, it's about introductions. And staying positive. I think we've covered the theoretical ground and everyone will do what is best for themselves to stay motivated. I'm not sure this is the best venue for me, but I'll check back and see how it goes here.This business is about leadership, what we do for our clients. And change - in the sense that having all of those Ed Jones shops around everywhere probably generates stronger branding, trust and walk in business - if every advisor (could) stop cold calling tomorrow - if the wirehouses let them - it would likely lift all boats. There is no surplus of good advisors.  

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