Weekend Joke

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doc c's picture
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A very wealthy financil advisor says to his wife, " Honey, if I lost all my money, would you still love me ?"
" Of course I would," replied the wife, " But I'd miss you ... "

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Some (decidedly one-sided, but funny) political humor from the late night talk shows...

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete, but she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.' --- Jay Leno'Well, the big story -- - Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.' --- Jay Leno'Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it.' --- Conan O'Brien'In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man in Afghanistan . Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the fattest intern under the desk.' --- Jay Leno'Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton --- when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.' --- Jay Leno'Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? "For Sale" --- Jay Leno'A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.' ' --- Jay Leno'Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton 's former business partners can vote for her in 2008.' --- Jay Leno'Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.' --- Craig KilbornIn Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then, on page two, the trouble starts.' --- Jay Leno'In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said, 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said.' --- David Letterman'Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York , announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.'--- David Letterman'Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.' --- Jay Leno'Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a  promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.' --- Craig Kilborn'CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.' --- Jay Leno'Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible; the one with only seven commandments.' --- David Letterman

Big Taco's picture
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 Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned

 pretty badly.

 

 The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so

 they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and

 Gomer.

 

 The three men had always done everything together.

 Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled

 back the sheet, Cooter said,  "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
 You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over

 and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

 

 The mortician thought this was rather strange. So

 he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the

 body.

      
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty

well burnt up. Roll him over."

  
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,

 it ain't Bubba."

 

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer

said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.

 Yup, said Gomer, we never seen 'em, but everybody

 used to say,

 
" There's Bubba with them two assholes."

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I'm gonna eat your fingers joke:
 
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.  At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.  Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.  I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
 She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
 
 
 
 

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A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, 'We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month.
 
'The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed.
 
'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor.
 
'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. 'The first week we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless.
 
'The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, 'My wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, and passionate. It lasted over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat.'The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.''We understand,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'we're not welcome at Home Depot either

Indyone's picture
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I wonder if Tom Brady has this much class...
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnCkxTYew-0
 

charlie_broker's picture
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Pink Taco: last one better than the booger one.
Hey, even Trolls can post funnies, too! Yaba dabba doooo.
This just in...
 

Life's Rules 1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.3. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"5 I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have"Schiffer Brains."18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"PS:  Happy Holidays!  Happy New Year!  I must say it was a real rollercoast ride hanging out here during the past year: very memorable to say the least.
Ck these out: they're all cute.
 
http://www.youtube.com/greeting_browser
  

 

Indyone's picture
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

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I just saw on CNN that Monica Lewinski changed her registration to Republican.  Apparently the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth.

doberman's picture
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Indy and EDJ4:

doberman's picture
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At Northern Zoos, they place the name of the animal and its scientific name (in Latin) on the cage. In the South, they put the animal's name and a recipe on the cage.
 
From the land of boiled okra and pot liquor...yum-yum!

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The WEDDING TEST 
 
 I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
 There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
               
                My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.
               
                It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
               
                One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invtations.
               
                She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
               
                Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.         
                She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
                I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
                I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
                With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
                And the moral of this story is:
               
                ........Always keep your condoms in your car
               

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

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Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."
 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"

anabuhabkuss's picture
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hahah geez.

troll's picture
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Superman is bored one night and wants to go out on the town.  So he goes over to Spiderman's house to see if he wants to go out.  Spiderman is busy with Mary Jane so Superman goes to Batman's house to see if he would like to go out.  Batman is on duty so no go there.
 
Superman decided to heck with it he will go out by himself.  After hours of drinking, Superman is flying around (quite drunk) and feeling a little in need of female companionship.
 
So Superman decides to fly over to Wonder Woman's house.  When he gets there he uses his xray vision and sees WW lying spread eagle naked on her bed.  Not feeling like going through the effort of romance, Superman decides to just fly in there and do his business with his super human speed.
 
(Small gust of air)  Wonder Woman: What was that?!?
Invisible Man: I don't know but my a$$ sure hurts!!
 

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Tues Joke:
 GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?" "No I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?"  I asked. & amp; amp; amp; amp; lt; BR>"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."  

http://www.jibjab.com/view/211590

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BondGuy wrote:Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."
 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"
 
I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG

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MISS JONES wrote:BondGuy wrote:Johnny's teacher tells the class "Today we are going to play a guessing game. I'm going to hold an object under the desk and describe it to the class. The class has to guess what I'm holding. Ok,  the first object I'm holding under the desk is long and yellow."
 
Suzie raises her hand almost jumping out of her seat and blurts out "Banana, it's a banana!"
 
"No Suzie", says the teacher, "It's a pencil, but I really like the way you think."
 
"The next object I'm holding under the desk" says the teacher "is red and round"
 
Bobby raises his hand and yells out "It's an apple!"
 
"No Bobby" says the teacher, "it's a tomato, but I really like the way you think."
 
Then Johnny raises his hand. "Yes Johnny?" asks the teacher.
 
"I'm holding something under my desk" says Johnny " that's hard and has a head on it"
 
No No No!" exclaims the teacher "Johnny that's totally inappropriate for school !"
 
Well, it's a quarter" says Johnny "But I really like the way you think!"
 
I have told this joke numerous times since I read it and it brings about a laugh almost every time. Thx BG
 
Thanks. It's cute and mostly clean enough for Rotary.
 
Keep the jokes coming. I too repeat what I read here.

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Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...<?: prefix = u1 /> <?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />Dear Nell,The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you loveJesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had justcome from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so Ibought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lordand how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thingsomeone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I foundthat LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind startedhonking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the loveof GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving andsmiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in thelove! There must have been a man from <?: prefix = ns0 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><?: prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Florida back there because I heard him yellingsomething about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with onlyhis middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seatwhat that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him thegood luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religiousexperience, too!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got outof their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask whatchurch I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to allmy sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed Iwas the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again andI felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowedthe car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck signone last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!Love,Grandma

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Came across this while doing my OSJ email review work today...
 
Olympic Oopses... Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weight-lifting commentator: This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. 6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.  7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. 9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

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Very funny Indy...that's a good one!

BondGuy's picture
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Indy, infamous Johnny Carson interview with Mrs. Arnold Palmer
 
It went something like this:
 
Carson: Is there anything you do to help your husband before a game?
 
Mrs. Palmer: I kiss his balls before every game.
 
Carson: Wow, that must make his putter stand on end.

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I'm getting all sorts of classics today...here's some from the Hollywood Squares...
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'HollywoodSquares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..Q. Do female frogs croak?A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?A . Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning .Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?A. Charley Weaver: His feet.Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

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The Italian says, 'When I've a finished a makina da love with ah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.'The Frenchman replies. zat is  nothing, when Ah've finished making ze  love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick  za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above  ze bed in pure ecstacy.The redneck says, 'Ya’ll that aint nothin. When I finish porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my wayner on the curtains. She hits the freakin'ceiling.<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

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Q: What is a financial planner?
A: A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

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Maybe some of you saw this email already:
 
 If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left.  With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left.  With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.  But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the  cans for the recycling REFUND, you would have $214.  Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.  It's called the 401-keg.  

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Snags....they did the math.

Indyone's picture
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NEW STOCK MARKET TERMINOLOGY
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

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This market is worse than getting divorced.  I lose half my money, and I'm still married to the wife.

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snaggletooth's picture
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Spaceman Spiff's picture
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Two older ladies were attending a revival service at their church.  The preacher got really into it and spoke for a long time.  After the service the two ladies were heading out the door and one of them said "That was a great sermon, but I'm really glad it's over.  We sat there so long I think my butt fell asleep".  The other one said "I think it did too.  I'm pretty sure I heard it snoring a couple of times."

troll's picture
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snaggletooth wrote:This market is worse than getting divorced.  I lose half my money, and I'm still married to the wife.
 
F*&$!  That was good!    

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A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'InvoluntaryMuscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lightenthe mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do youknow what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.......

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Sex is like eating spinach. If you're forced to do it when you're young, you won't like it as an adult. 

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The Aisle SeatTwo Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out  of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next  to him in the middle seat...<?: prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.  After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes  and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,  'I need to get up and get a coke.''Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab  said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'  Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines  other shoe and spat in it.When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into  his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 'Why does it have to be this way?', he asked. 'How long must this go on?  This fighting between our  nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.

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What do sex and KFC have in common??
 
Yeah, yeah, finger licking good is the easy answer.
 
The right answer is...
 
Once you're done sucking on the breast and licking the thigh, you have a greasy box to shove your bone in.

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Q:  What's long, hard and screws lots of women?
 
A:  An IQ Test.

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snaggletooth wrote:
Some very funny stuff:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_n2LhRW0O4&feature=related
 
Man that hot tub was sooo gross. 

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The perfect gift for the perfect wife...
 
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/f5ecf65b2e/the-perfect-gift-from-ugly-boy
 
I'm still laughing...I'm a sick man...

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For whatever reason, I found this pretty funny:  http://video.yahoo.com/network/100000089?v=2183321&l=100022574

Indyone's picture
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Here's one for the bikers...definitely don't miss the action at the end of the video...this guy is a complete moron...
 
http://jalopnik.com/5103219/biker-busted-for-speeding-tries-to-fight-the-law-and-guess-who-won
 

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Indyone wrote:Here's one for the bikers...definitely don't miss the action at the end of the video...this guy is a complete moron...
 
http://jalopnik.com/5103219/biker-busted-for-speeding-tries-to-fight-the-law-and-guess-who-won
 the ending was priceless....

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Ouch!

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In 1923, who was:
 

1. President of the largest steel company? 

  

2. President of the largest gas company? 

 

3. President of the  New York Stock Exchange? 

 

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

   

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 

  

6. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

 

 

 

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days. 

 

 

 Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them. 

 

The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company. 

Charles Schwab, 

died a pauper. 

2. The president of the largest gas company, 

Edward Hopson, 

went insane. 

  

3. The president of the NYSE, 

Richard Whitney, 

was released from prison 

to die at home. 

4. The greatest wheat speculator, 

Arthur Cooger, 

died abroad, penniless. 

5. The President

of 

 the Bank of International Settlement, 

 shot himself. 

  

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, 

Cosabee Livermore, 

also committed suicide  

However, 

in that same year, 

1923, 

the PGA Champion 

and 

the winner of 

the 

most important golf tournament, 

the  US Open, 

was 

Gene Sarazen. 

What became of him? 

He played golf until he was 92, 

died in 1999 at the age of 95. 

He was financially secure 

at the time of his death. 

The Moral: 

F%%k work. 

Play golf. 

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4 men go out golfing at this country club. One of them is called back to the club house to take a phone call from his son. The other men begin to talk about their kids. The first guy says, "my kid is doing great. he's got a car dealership that's so successful he gave a new car to a friend of his as a gift!"The second man says, "that's nothing! My son runs a successful contracting business and was able to build one of his friends a new house."The third man laughs and says, "well, those are great accomplishments, My son the stock broker has done so well he bought a friend a stock portfolio that is doing very, very well."The three men stand around patting themselves on the back and congratulating each other. The fourth man comes back looking tired. They ask him how his kid is doing and he says, "well, he's alright. I'm not so happy at how he's turned out. he's gay, and he's a hair dresser, and not a very good one, but his last three boyfriends gave him a new car, a new house, and a very large stock portfolio."
__________________

xbanker's picture
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Q: What's the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?

A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrari.

Doksee's picture
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Joined: 2009-03-02

Always concede the fourth putt.

Doksee's picture
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This market sucks but the market always improves and some things are worth remembering: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBO-qdWAAAs

Doksee's picture
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Time to Picnic? A carriage load of young brokers visits " The Rock".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Usn-RxTemdE

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